So, I'm dating someone, a really great guy, I love him a lot and he loves me. Classic love story I would suppose.
Anyhow, he's been very busy lately, super busy. He's working on his future and i'm super proud of him but....
...I can't help but feel like I'm getting in his way...
And I considered today telling him, you know, if I'm getting in your way, you can leave me...
But the pain of that thought just tore me apart.
Then he told me how much he loved me, andthe way I've been feeling has me wondering what to do.
If I truly love him and want the best for him, do I set him free and hope he comes back to me? Or am I being foolish, should I just keep supporting him the best I can, be a good girlfriend, show him I care, not complicate things, not hurt him, just love him and don't be jealous when he doesn't have time to spend with me.
The thought of leaving him kills me inside, and I know it will hurt him too if I do it. Might even screw him up, throw him off track, who knows. I just want what's best for him.
I haven't really discussed this with him but I have told him if he needs to take time away from me to focus on himself, he should feel free to and not see me as an obligation.
I'm trying to be selfless because I love him and I know if I were in his position I'd just want someone by my side supporting me.
So, you're probably not going to like what I'm going to say. Please know that this is my own experience, and that I'm not at all implying that it's the same for you as it was for me.
If you love him and you know he loves you, you need to trust him when he tells you that you're not a burden, that he loves you, that he wants you in his life, and you need to respect that that's what he wants, and that you don't get to choose for him and convince yourself that it's because you're being selfless. If you want to choose for him, even if you think it might hurt him, there is an underlying reason as to why you want to leave him. And it isn't because you think it'd be best for him. If he wants to be with you, if that's what makes him happy and healthy, what's best for him is you being with him. Period. (Unless you don't want to be with him -- then the best thing to do for him would be leaving him.) And if you doubt that, it isn't because you feel it's best for him if you leave. It's because you're not letting yourself realize that, for whatever reason, you don't really want to be with him. It took me 4 years to realize this about my own relationship, and waiting that long made it even harder to do, for both of us.
If you're certain that you do want to be with him, trust him. Trust him when he says you're not a burden. Do not make that choice for him. Respect him enough to know what he wants. It's that simple.
Also, there's something I want to tell you that I wish someone had told me: If you realize you don't want to be with him, you do not have to have a "valid reason" for feeling this way. I hated myself, kept thinking, "What's wrong with you? He loves you, he's good to you, he's the kindest man you've ever met, he takes care of you -- why don't you want to be with him?" I was relentless towards myself, completely unforgiving, and I drowned in guilt. This guilt led me to subconsciously resenting my (ex)boyfriend, feeling like he was the source of my misery, while at the same time I truly believed that because I felt this way, he would be better off without me anyway. And because I felt that way, I felt even guiltier for staying. This cycle never ended until I finally broke up with him. I had to learn that I am not obligated to love someone back, and that I don't have to have a clear reason for why I don't love someone back. If this is what you struggle with, please know that you don't owe anyone anything, no matter how good they are to you. Your love will come from a place of obligation, and not authenticity. And no one deserves to live like that, you or him.
Again, this perspective is based on my own experience, and I could be very wrong about your own and how it does or doesn't relate to mine. So if I'm off-base, take it with a grain of salt. If not, I hope this helped.