Now, I don't mean actual instruction manuals, I mean human instruction manuals.
I've been noticing this trend with people in relationships, typically women, laying out "Ground Rules and Instructions For Proper Care" early in a relationship so that their partner will better know how to treat them, what to say to diffuse an argument, what not to say to them, what not to ask them, and how to avoid making them upset or anxious.
While it sounds like a good idea to begin with, I can't help but feel like it's a manipulative tactic on both sides of the coin.
For one, you're giving a potentially abusive partner a guidebook on which buttons to press to tick you off and make you upset, cutting out the ground work that they'd have to do to figure out these things on their own. On the other hand, for potentially healthy relationships, you're demeaning your partner's ability to discover for themselves what makes you angry and what makes you happy. That's part of the beauty of a new relationship, its the time that either makes or breaks a future partner, and for me, its entirely necessary.
Secondly, the giver of this "manual" must feel pretty entitled to do so. They can't even take the time to let their partner figure this stuff out, "here, from the get go, is a list of things I like and do not like. Treat me this way, and only this way. Do not handle me any differently."
The truth is, I don't think anybody knows themselves well enough to tell their partner with 100% accuracy what does and does not work for them. Different emotions trigger different reactions, and these reactions change with age. Humans are not appliances, we are not so simple that you can hand someone a book and tell them when you do B, and only when you do B, then C will happen. If you do D and expect C, then you will get A.
It is up to our partner to know us as we grow together with them. I've been with my boyfriend for two years, sometimes he knows me better than I know myself. I tried this whole manual thing with him before, and it didn't work, because what made me happy when we were fresh in our relationship no longer evokes the same feeling, something else does. The same is with him.
Some things haven't changed, I still know that pressing his A button will make him upset, and pressing his B button will make him happy on most occasions, but other things have changed.
I think in some cases, laying out that this or that WILL evoke a bad response no matter what (such as mentioning a past event, asking about a certain family member, etc) is a good idea, especially in mentally or emotionally unstable partners who need to provide their lovers with as much forewarning as possible.
What do you think? Are "human manuals" a good idea, or should we encourage new couples to simply get to know each other, not hand each other an imaginary book on how to get them to tick?
wait theres a manual on women? how did i miss this? and wheres my copy. im trying to date one of those. i need an adult
I actually disagree with you on this one. I feel that communication is absolutely key. And if you have things that you absolutely do not tolerate, I feel your partner should know these things up front. If it's a problem, then you're simply not right for each other.
People say relationships are compromise. This is true, but not nearly to the extent that people think it is. For example, you can and should compromise on small things, like where you go out to eat or what movie you want to go see. You should not compromise on the things that you truly value. For example, I would never date a racist, a homophobe, or a non-atheist, and I will need to clearly convey this to my potential partners. I don't want to be invested in them and then find out later that they believe in god or that they hate black or gay people. That just wastes time, energy, and emotions.
There is a level to relationships that should have a trial and error sort of exploration, but not with everything. There are base settings that people feel they must and mustn't have in a relationship, and as long as these are fair and realistic, I feel people are very much entitled to want what they want and not have to compromise too much.
Let me emphasize: These things should be fair and realistic. If someone gives their partner a manual that includes something like, "Saying the word "moist" is a deal-breaker," or "If you want to avoid pissing me off, don't play video games when I don't want you to," that's ridiculous. That sort of manual is entitled and arrogant and even manipulative. But even then, these people are entitled to want these things, and they could simply try and find someone who also hates the word "moist" and doesn't like video games. Then, these "terrible requests" don't seem so terrible at all, because they're agreed upon by both parties, and both came to these conclusions on their own accord.
Most of the time, people's "manuals" are preferences that are fair and reasonable. If they don't seem to be, then perhaps you simply aren't the kind of person they're looking for.