So this is basically a stream of consciousness, trying to figure out exactly how I feel about this particular topic. I won't know until the end of it. Hang on for the ride if you're interested, and feel free to have leave your input in the comments. I welcome your perspectives.
As we're all probably aware at this point, there has been a lot of “body positivity” practically everywhere. This is something that I've felt ambiguously about for a while now.
I was a pretty little girl as a kid, then had an ugly duckling stage before and during middle school, and then from eighth grade to my senior year of high school, I was quite attractive (though I didn't at all know it then). During my very crippling stint of depression after high school, I gained 60 pounds in about three years (190 in 2013, 250 in 2016 ). That's a lot of weight. On average, a relatively healthy person will put on about 10 pounds a year if they are slowly letting themselves go. I put on twice that much. Every year. For three years.
Like most women, I've struggled with body image for the entirety of my life. I remember bawling my eyes out, sitting in the car with my mother before school, begging her not to make me go that day. Why? Because I had a large cold sore on my upper lip. At the ripe old age of six years old, I was terrified of people thinking I was ugly because of this little thing. I was mortified over the way I looked at a time when most girls are much more concerned with things like candy and dolls and all things pink.
So you can imagine how I must have felt when I basically woke up out of my fog one day and noticed just how large I had become. I still hadn't reached my highest weight, but standing at 5'4 and weighing in at 230 pounds isn't good. This, of course, furthered my downward spiral, and I sauntered back into my fog and binge-eating for another year.
(If you're wondering if this has any resemblance to a weight loss story, I'll go ahead and mention that I've lost a total of 32 pounds in about 6 months. So yeah, I've seriously kicked some ass, but that isn't the point of this post.)
So lately, I've been much more comfortable in my own skin. I've accepted that, yes, I am overweight (technically severely obese, though I definitely don't look it), and yes, I do have a pretty face, and yes, I could be considered fairly pretty regardless of my size. I have a boyfriend that adores me, so it's not like I'm in the market, but it hasn't been about attracting other people for a very long time now. I came to the conclusion that I care about how I look for me. And I know that sounds like some annoying pseudo-positive bull shit, but that's how it feels up here in my head.
I've questioned it myself, wanting to test to see if I truly feel that way. What I often do is look up pictures of “beautiful fat/chubby/plus-size/curvy women” to see if I can find women that are beautiful and also happen to look like me. And of course, I'm met with loads of gorgeous women with cellulite and muffin tops and thunder thighs, all flaunting cute clothes that fit them well and are considered “brave” for a bigger girl to wear. And I've found that even though I do genuinely think that these women are beautiful, I know that I can't make myself content with being their size. I could easily make myself beautiful to other people at the size I am now if I wanted to, because I know how many people feel that these women are beautiful, and I'm smaller and better proportioned than a fair number of them. But I've realized I don't want to be beautiful to other people. I want to be beautiful to me. And I know that I will feel beautiful when I don't drown myself in baggy clothes because my stomach is flat enough so that I don't have to hide it. I'll feel beautiful when my back rolls are gone and I can see my collarbones again. (You should've seen me the moment I noticed my wrist bones were slightly visible – I almost cried I was so happy.)
And I'm so very tried of people telling me that I just need to learn how to love myself as I am.
I do love myself as I am. That's the key to self-improvement, I believe. You can't find your way to where you want to be if you refuse to accept where you currently are. I've accepted where I am, and I love myself for wanting to improve myself, both for my physical health and for my mental and emotional health.
So how do I feel about the current “body positivity” that's all the rave right now? Well, being someone who sees things from multiple perspectives, I have my own opinion(s), but I also have a caveat to it(hem) as well.
Part of me feels that people dangerously promote obesity. The caveat is that I don't feel that it's anyone's business whether or not someone is obese, and that they shouldn't go out of their way to tell someone they need to lose weight under the guise of “concern for their health.” (Unless they're the person's personal doctor, obviously.)
These two things may seem to completely contradict each other at first, but really, it's just a matter of civility. I don't feel that obesity should be “accepted” in terms of normalizing it to the point of doctors being shamed for saying it's unhealthy. I do feel, of course, that people should accept each other as people regardless of their size, shape, color, sexuality, etc. But part of me feels that promoting the concept that obesity is an okay thing is very dangerous.
Now, there is another part of me that feels differently. The fact is, people ostracize those who don't fit in. And if we were to “un-normalize” obesity more than it's always been, perhaps it would be much more harmful to those who are obese. And if people promote obesity in the form of body positivity, perhaps it would give people a healthy headspace in which they could start a healthier lifestyle, as has happened with me. They could learn to love themselves to the point of genuine, healthy, long-lasting change. I think people feel that obese people will simply be content to be obese if they're told that being obese is beautiful and healthy and okay, but I don't think so. Maybe it's because of my personal bias and anecdotes, but whatever the reason for my belief that people would be more receptive to healthy change if they're not shamed and berated into it, that's how I feel.
So, it's almost a bit of a trolley problem. Do we shame obese people into getting fit for their own good (or at least that's what we'd be telling ourselves, even if the outcome is met), ostracizing those who don't make the cut as a deterrent and saving future generations from this epidemic? Or do we acknowledge that these are people too, that if you cut them then they will bleed, and to shame them would harm them more than help them? Do we leave them to their own devices and risk the spread of this unhealthy lifestyle, or do we acknowledge that the best way to implement true change is to do it with love and compassion and patience?
Whatever your conclusion, I think that, with the exception of the PC madness in the form of censorship, body positivity is the way to go overall. Even for me. I may not like the way I look now, but loving myself the way that I was/am was the key to my ongoing success in my own lifestyle changes. Maybe others had to be whipped into shape, and maybe you feel that's the best way to go. But this was my way of figuring out what I think and feel about the whole thing, as it's something that, as a woman and as an obese person, affects me greatly every day.
Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post. xD This is basically what my diary entries look like, while adding in some things for addressing an audience, something I obviously don't bother with when it's for my eyes only. Still, the format is much the same.
I hope you all have a pleasant day/evening. :3
nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself. fat has a purpose( extra energy when food was scarce) theres no need for the amount people have today. most positive body issues are about culturally accepting quiting anything hard is ok. if it matters to you then do something about it. make sure you still love the life your living though. not just a slave to an image you never get to( it always gets smaller that way) find changes that you enjoy doing to help you lose weight. that way its not a temporary fix until you reach a point where its done and loses the value it has to you. nothing wrong with having pride in your self(pride doesn't mean ego). no one can ever take the pride youve earned for you're self away. remember if it was easy everyone would do it , and if its easy why be proud of it? this is what you always hear people talking about inner power is. stay strong
Ah Quora, the place most of us came here from, lol ;)
I'm glad to hear about your story. I use to be fit when I was very young (from 10 to 14 or so) very active, had a great workout routine, and as I mentioned before, lost it all. I just got back from the gym with my boyfriend, and I have that "activity high" right now that makes you feel like you could climb a mountain (but really I should probably sit down and not climb a mountain.)
My goal at the moment is to just get healthier, and build up my vitality.
Great post!!!!!!!! I remember when I was younger I was obese (between ages of like 7 and 11ish) but people kept bullying me and ostracizing me because of my weight. Was bullied constantly. Eventually became semi-anorexic, lost a shit ton of weight (too much weight) and then had to put it back on. Starting like 2-3 years ago or so I started going to the gym to put on weight in muscle. Starting about 2 years ago I really started getting into it and now am pretty physically fit (at least compared to before, I'm mostly happy with my body now). And though I don't think that anyone should ever have to endure ostracization, bullying, and severe sadness for a very long time, I'm honestly glad it happened to me. It made me lose weight, and made me realize that other people don't care about me and no matter what you do you can't please people. Made me not care about what anyone else thinks. And because of that, along with realizing the suffering one can feel from ostracization, it made me a better person overall. Inspired me to create music (which now has evolved into rapping for me). But yeah good luck to you mate!!! If you want any advice on gym stuff (if you're into that type of stuff) or weight loss or just health in general feel free to ask me :) (I do alot of answers on a website called Quora which is a question/answer site on Working Out/Health, so you can check that out too if you want).
That seems to be a dad thing, my dad constantly comments on how "I'll gain weight and get fat if I eat that extra cookie," and how I should wear makeup more and look nice.
I do love dressing up and looking nice, but not all the time. I'm no stranger to heading to a restaurant without so much as foundation on (though when my face is breaking out I do get worried and feel naked without it,) but still, I don't think it's my father's place to tell me how to dress and look. I don't even live with him anymore.
As for my family stalking me, yeah, it limits what I can do on youtube, but that's another reason why I have made this site. There's no way they can track me down here, lol (I'm considering changing my name to a pen just in case). I'm sort of, not to sound vain, but the golden goose in the family. Or maybe I'm the black sheep, I'm not sure. I've accomplished the least out of the youngsters in my family, but I'm the oldest of the next generation and the family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and so on, seem very intent on what I'll end up doing to continue the family line. When I first mentioned I had a serious boyfriend, I was slapped left and right with questions, and my grandpa has been asking every other week for two years if he has proposed to me yet. I once bought a very nice ring for myself, and when it came in the mail, he asked if this meant I was engaged -_-
I'm allowed to buy myself a nice ring, aren't I???
Anyhow, I guess it's simple family stuff, ultra clingy family stuff. Hispanic families are like that, I've noticed.
I thought that was you! Haha, thanks for that. Yeah, I recently watched Mandy Harvey's America's Got Talent video, the deaf girl who could sing? She inspired me so, so much. I decided to see how well my webcam would capture me, because I thought about auditioning for the show myself. I found that I don't look horrible to myself, not nearly as much as I thought I would. I just remembered that. So if/when I get a good camera, I'll definitely be considering putting up actual videos.
I can't imagine what your family stalking you must be like. :( I cut ties with most of mine from an early age (my parents being divorced and my mother's side being meth addicts made that pretty easy to do for me), and while my mother and her sisters share my posts, I do wonder what it would be like for me if I were to post things that they disagree with. My father is also someone to deal with -- I totally feel you on the parking lot thing. He's obsessed with me needing to present myself a certain way. "You need a good background when you're taking pictures!" being one example. "Clean your room, don't stand in front of that ugly white wall, why don't you just go outside and stand next to the tree?" \(e_e)/ Another is that he's very controlling over my hairstyles. Seriously. Anytime we video chat, he comments on my messy hair, and how I haven't been wearing bangs lately (I've worn them my whole life, as I share my father's distaste for foreheads, but for the past couple of years I've grown into my face even more and I actually, strangely, prefer how I look without bangs most of the time). These things are minor and inconvenient, so, again, I can't imagine what it's like for you.
I would say go for it, but that's just me. I've been doing gameplay videos on and off for about 8 months now I think, but I've had a lot of breaks due to depression and stated in a video that this was the reason for the inconsistency, because I truly wanted to make YouTube a career and do it every single day. For a while I was doing it really well, but depression, family situations, moving, and of course the fact that my entire family decided to subscribe to me, and while I appreciate the support, it really limited what I could and couldn't say on my channel (recently I got lectured for posting a video in a parking lot.)
The solution may be to start a new channel where I can do my own thing, but there is always the chance of my family finding that channel too (they stalk me) so now the videos have pretty much stopped because I just can't deal with my family's opinions of me.
It's sort of censorship, I guess.
Regardless, if you really want to wait until you lose weight, I'd say it's a great goal. But I also see the potential of subconsciously documenting your weightloss on your channel to be an inspiration to others, too. I think maybe whatever you want the focus to be, do you want to focus on body positivity and health, or your music (not that it has to be one or the other, you could definitely do both.)
Either way it's a good goal to have :) YouTube can be very rewarding when it wants to be, and it's fun to be a creator.
I subbed to you btw!
Part of me very much wants to do all the things I want to do while still being at the size I am. I have all these ridiculous "rules" in my head, saying I can't to do this or that until I'm thin. Again, this is because of how I feel about me, not how other people feel about me. For example, I "can't" wear anything remotely form-fitting. While I do know this actually makes me look worse to other people, for me, it's out of sight out of mind for all my extra weight, so it makes me focus on things like my face and hair, things I *do* like about myself, while working hard to lose weight. It's almost going to be like a surprise for myself, revealing at the end my prize, and until then, no peeking!
Another thing I "can't" do yet that I want to do is making a consistent YouTube channel. I put up lyric videos of my own work, and without trying at all to promote myself, somehow 80 people from around the internet have subscribed to me, and I've had some likes and comments too. But ultimately I'd like to try and make it into a small profession, making videos of myself putting spins on covers and stuff. The thing is, I "can't." I won't be able to stand seeing myself on video until I'm at least the size I was my senior year. So that's another 30 pounds to lose. Another six months at the very least. Which is fine, of course, but like anyone, I get impatient.
And again, part of me wants to do all these things anyway. As pretentious as it may sound, what if I serve as inspiration for other plus-size people to do the things they want to do regardless of what they or others think of themselves? I would hate for others to lead the kind of life I do because of the reasons I do it. It is miserable avoiding your own reflection from the neck down. It is miserable having all these restrictions. And while it may be hard for me to look at myself, I don't think it'd be at all hard for others to look at me, and when we're talking about something like YouTube, the viewers matter more in terms of opinion in this case. This is the conclusion I've been coming to for a while. I'm pretty sure if I finally got a decent camera, I'd be doing it.
I do feel that body positivity is great is in so many ways, and like, everything, it has its faults as well. I often feel like I should use my current weight while I still have it to help with body positivity if I can. Another problem, though, as you mentioned, is saying I'm body positive while being larger, and then still feeling the need to lose weight. Maybe even that could be educational and inspirational, but I think mostly I'd just be received as a fake and a hypocrite, and there goes my channel, you know? I don't know, man. The world is so difficult to navigate.
Thank you for this post!
While I personally never had an issue with obesity, I have had issues with my weight, especially lately. Mostly it's due to the fact that I once was very fit, and had a great routine, but depression and other health issues have brought me down, and now I'm desperately reaching for a healthier lifestyle than what I currently have (routines are hard to keep and hell to form.)
My boyfriend is also a bit on the big side, and while he hates it, I have to admit I adore how "fluffy" he is. However, I totally support and encourage his desire to lose weight.
I've always been 100% for people loving themselves, I made a point once before that loving yourself is the first step to getting healthier, because you begin to feel like you deserve to feel healthy and look good for you. That way, whether you're told from the outside world that you're beautiful or not, it won't matter, you still want to change for you. I think you brought this out quite nicely too.
My issue with the body positivity movement is that a lot of people are taking it as an excuse to shame thin people or glorify obese or chubby people. I think it definitely began with, and still has, good intentions, but people have of course morphed it into something it shouldn't be, telling people they're beautiful at any size and there is no reason to change.
But then when you want to change, the encouragement seems a little bit against you.
Yes, there are absolutely beautiful obese women, I actually find the model Tess Holiday to be quite attractive. Granted, I think the fact that she appears to be (appears to be, I don't actually know if she supports it. I heard somewhere that she's trying to gain more weight, which doesn't seem to be not promoting it) promoting an unhealthy lifestyle is equally as harmful to young girls as it is to promote dangerously thin body types.
There is, indeed, a dilemma that should be addressed. My opinion would be to encourage people to love themselves and what is on the inside, in other words, learn to love your mind, your talents, your traits. That way, we can grow to love ourselves no matter what, while also opening the gate to wanting a healthier lifestyle.
This way, we won't shame thin people or fat people, nor will they be overly glorified. However, putting the idea to paper is much easier than putting it to action. How would we promote loving our inner selves? Through brain models?
It's a big thought, and definitely a tough nut to crack.