So this is basically a stream of consciousness, trying to figure out exactly how I feel about this particular topic. I won't know until the end of it. Hang on for the ride if you're interested, and feel free to have leave your input in the comments. I welcome your perspectives.

As we're all probably aware at this point, there has been a lot of “body positivity” practically everywhere. This is something that I've felt ambiguously about for a while now.

I was a pretty little girl as a kid, then had an ugly duckling stage before and during middle school, and then from eighth grade to my senior year of high school, I was quite attractive (though I didn't at all know it then). During my very crippling stint of depression after high school, I gained 60 pounds in about three years (190 in 2013, 250 in 2016 ). That's a lot of weight. On average, a relatively healthy person will put on about 10 pounds a year if they are slowly letting themselves go. I put on twice that much. Every year. For three years.

Like most women, I've struggled with body image for the entirety of my life. I remember bawling my eyes out, sitting in the car with my mother before school, begging her not to make me go that day. Why? Because I had a large cold sore on my upper lip. At the ripe old age of six years old, I was terrified of people thinking I was ugly because of this little thing. I was mortified over the way I looked at a time when most girls are much more concerned with things like candy and dolls and all things pink.

So you can imagine how I must have felt when I basically woke up out of my fog one day and noticed just how large I had become. I still hadn't reached my highest weight, but standing at 5'4 and weighing in at 230 pounds isn't good. This, of course, furthered my downward spiral, and I sauntered back into my fog and binge-eating for another year.

(If you're wondering if this has any resemblance to a weight loss story, I'll go ahead and mention that I've lost a total of 32 pounds in about 6 months. So yeah, I've seriously kicked some ass, but that isn't the point of this post.)

So lately, I've been much more comfortable in my own skin. I've accepted that, yes, I am overweight (technically severely obese, though I definitely don't look it), and yes, I do have a pretty face, and yes, I could be considered fairly pretty regardless of my size. I have a boyfriend that adores me, so it's not like I'm in the market, but it hasn't been about attracting other people for a very long time now. I came to the conclusion that I care about how I look for me. And I know that sounds like some annoying pseudo-positive bull shit, but that's how it feels up here in my head.

I've questioned it myself, wanting to test to see if I truly feel that way. What I often do is look up pictures of “beautiful fat/chubby/plus-size/curvy women” to see if I can find women that are beautiful and also happen to look like me. And of course, I'm met with loads of gorgeous women with cellulite and muffin tops and thunder thighs, all flaunting cute clothes that fit them well and are considered “brave” for a bigger girl to wear. And I've found that even though I do genuinely think that these women are beautiful, I know that I can't make myself content with being their size. I could easily make myself beautiful to other people at the size I am now if I wanted to, because I know how many people feel that these women are beautiful, and I'm smaller and better proportioned than a fair number of them. But I've realized I don't want to be beautiful to other people. I want to be beautiful to me. And I know that I will feel beautiful when I don't drown myself in baggy clothes because my stomach is flat enough so that I don't have to hide it. I'll feel beautiful when my back rolls are gone and I can see my collarbones again. (You should've seen me the moment I noticed my wrist bones were slightly visible – I almost cried I was so happy.)

And I'm so very tried of people telling me that I just need to learn how to love myself as I am.

I do love myself as I am. That's the key to self-improvement, I believe. You can't find your way to where you want to be if you refuse to accept where you currently are. I've accepted where I am, and I love myself for wanting to improve myself, both for my physical health and for my mental and emotional health.

So how do I feel about the current “body positivity” that's all the rave right now? Well, being someone who sees things from multiple perspectives, I have my own opinion(s), but I also have a caveat to it(hem) as well.

Part of me feels that people dangerously promote obesity. The caveat is that I don't feel that it's anyone's business whether or not someone is obese, and that they shouldn't go out of their way to tell someone they need to lose weight under the guise of “concern for their health.” (Unless they're the person's personal doctor, obviously.)

These two things may seem to completely contradict each other at first, but really, it's just a matter of civility. I don't feel that obesity should be “accepted” in terms of normalizing it to the point of doctors being shamed for saying it's unhealthy. I do feel, of course, that people should accept each other as people regardless of their size, shape, color, sexuality, etc. But part of me feels that promoting the concept that obesity is an okay thing is very dangerous.

Now, there is another part of me that feels differently. The fact is, people ostracize those who don't fit in. And if we were to “un-normalize” obesity more than it's always been, perhaps it would be much more harmful to those who are obese. And if people promote obesity in the form of body positivity, perhaps it would give people a healthy headspace in which they could start a healthier lifestyle, as has happened with me. They could learn to love themselves to the point of genuine, healthy, long-lasting change. I think people feel that obese people will simply be content to be obese if they're told that being obese is beautiful and healthy and okay, but I don't think so. Maybe it's because of my personal bias and anecdotes, but whatever the reason for my belief that people would be more receptive to healthy change if they're not shamed and berated into it, that's how I feel.

So, it's almost a bit of a trolley problem. Do we shame obese people into getting fit for their own good (or at least that's what we'd be telling ourselves, even if the outcome is met), ostracizing those who don't make the cut as a deterrent and saving future generations from this epidemic? Or do we acknowledge that these are people too, that if you cut them then they will bleed, and to shame them would harm them more than help them? Do we leave them to their own devices and risk the spread of this unhealthy lifestyle, or do we acknowledge that the best way to implement true change is to do it with love and compassion and patience?

Whatever your conclusion, I think that, with the exception of the PC madness in the form of censorship, body positivity is the way to go overall. Even for me. I may not like the way I look now, but loving myself the way that I was/am was the key to my ongoing success in my own lifestyle changes. Maybe others had to be whipped into shape, and maybe you feel that's the best way to go. But this was my way of figuring out what I think and feel about the whole thing, as it's something that, as a woman and as an obese person, affects me greatly every day.

Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post. xD This is basically what my diary entries look like, while adding in some things for addressing an audience, something I obviously don't bother with when it's for my eyes only. Still, the format is much the same.

I hope you all have a pleasant day/evening. :3